I Must Write

Why?

Because writing is the one thing that does great things for me. It opens many doors. It initiates or ends many significant relationships. It gives me opportunities to speak to people even on TV and Radio. It gives me opportunities to chat one on one with many people. It helps me express myself, and especially in an uninterrupted way. I can express my joys, fears, dreams, hopes, feelings – as crazy as they seem until I get them out of my system, then I can read them and make rational decisions and moves. Writing does not judge, it just listens. The pen bleeds or smiles as I do, and the paper embraces all of it, all of me. Writing is my home. And so when I don’t write, say journal, I have no place to look back and see the strides I’ve made, the challenges I’ve overcome, the victories I’ve one, the defeats I’ve endured. If I don’t write, I lose a part of me that becomes forever forgotten, forever unexpressed, forever lost. So I must write, for the fire to write burns within me, and I cannot quench it, and I do NOT want to quench it, so write I must, write I will. If this paragraph was a poem, the poet would take a pause, hold his cowboy hat, tip it forward, breathe in, breathe out, then proceed.

It’s been a while since I really wrote other than for myself and my friends to see. Well, I did write a book this year, yes, but a book can be different, you know? Sometimes a blog article feels free and more liberal, like a journal, and that’s what I want to get back to. I like to write to express myself, not to impress others. I think that writing to impress others lacks purpose and life and is not really alive, it does not burn with passion. Writing is supposed to liberate, not imprison, and thankfully, when writing, I’m both the jailer and the prisoner, and I can set myself free by my choices. I choose to always set myself free, whether for the audience of one (my journal), a few (one on one or friendly group chats) or many.

So as I write today I think about the year that’s about to end, 2019. A lot has gone on this year. Wow. I got into the year with my rainbow baby, and that was a wonderful thing. It was special. I got many ideas at the beginning of the year, many hopes. After having had a tumultuous yet greatly blessed 2018, I was a bit wary about having and making any solid plans for this year. Nevertheless, God, by His grace, held my hand, feeble as it was, and walked me through some wonderful times. I got an office, yay, and soon after got a bigger one. I got some pretty special speaking engagements, new business opportunities, learning opportunities,  wrote a book, made new friends, and oh well, lost some.

The pen bleeds or smiles as I do, and the paper embraces all of it, all of me. Writing is my home.

Anngladys Gichuhi

I’ll write a bit about the friends that I lost, and end this here for today. I lost some friends because I realized that I was being my own worst enemy. You know how you entertain people who expressly treat you badly? No, this isn’t about to turn into one of those pity party posts. It was deeper than that. And I queried myself, why must I keep, why do I keep certain people and cycles in my life? Was it because of fear? Fear of being alone? Fear of missing out (FOMO)? Fear of rejection? Fear of not being good enough? Hoping against hope for something that has clearly been shown to be the opposite? Fear of not being able to stand on my own? In a nutshell, I visited all those fears and we had pretty intimate conversations. And it dawned on me that I entertained some relationships because yes, of fear, fear that I didn’t deserve better. I thought I had to make do with what was, only to realize that getting rid of it was actually a better, healthier, and happier experience for me. Before the bashing comes along, yes, we are supposed to love all people – and I do, and I forgave those who hurt me. But the same Bible says to be harmless as a dove yet wise as a serpent. And sometimes wisdom calls for walking away from bad situations, not walking towards them and right into the trap of death (see Prov. 16). It’s called the Principle of the Path – direction, not intention, determines destination.

So today I purposed to write, not to plan to write, but to actually write, however that may be. 🙂

And oh yes, we’ll talk more about relationships and friendships in future posts.

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